a resolution to say no.

This year I am working on embracing who I am and trying to work on myself. Not just a mommy or a wife but simply as me, Brenda Pluid.  I am 100% a people pleaser, almost to a fault. Well, absolutely to a fault because it has caused me to become quite an anxious person.  I hate telling anyone no because I do not like letting down others or causing any disappointment. Even to a point of not saying where I really want to go eat or what movie I want to see. I would rather the other people I am with be happy with what we are doing than choosing what I may truly want to do. Weird...I know. 

I am not someone who is all day every day anxious but there are many situations where I get worked up about having to do something that I get to the point of having panic attacks. I cannot breathe or get a fulfilling breath which then freaks me out and makes the whole breathing issues even worse. It's a viscous cycle. I am also weird about taking medicine because I have the theory that drinking water and working out is pretty much a cure for almost any/all of the problems I have. If my head hurts, it means I need water. If I am feeling tired and lazy all the time, it means I need to get to the gym. I am also a creature of routine and habit. I like things to be within the schedule or plans I have created and if there is a sudden change it throws me off and I get stressed quickly. This I do not like about myself. I feel as if I used to be so much more laid back and easy going but since having kids I want everything to be in order and go according to schedule (especially when it comes to my children's sleep schedules, if those get messed up I am a super freak about it.) 

Anywho, I don't want this whole thing to be about my issues but what I would like to do and what I am trying to do to better it.  The best part about this whole thing is Josh. He knows how I am and he challenges me to be better because he of course wants me to be happy. I am not sure he even knows when he is doing so. He can tell when I am about to over commit to something and asks me to think twice when it comes to saying yes. He even knows that he may have to ask me 10 times before I tell him what I really want rather than just what is going to appease him. It's nice to be married to someone who sometimes knows you better than you know yourself.

So my resolution this year is to simply speak my mind and to say no when I really want to say no and to stop caring about what everyone else may think/feel when I do. To many of you that may seem silly but to me it is a big change. Honestly, even writing about this is making me anxious because of the potential judgements. I know that by doing this it will help myself which is in turn helping my family, because they are pretty awesome if I do say so myself! Happy Tuesday everyone =)